2 years ago

It’s hard to wrap my head around all that has happened over the past 2 years.  Birthday’s, anniversary’s, a new addition to the family, trips, job changes…so many fun things & exciting changes!  But, today, I really want to reflect on this day two years ago.

I still remember things as if they happened yesterday.  It was Monday, February 17th & it had snowed a ton the night before.  We had a very important doctor appointment that morning.  Because of the crappy roads, we allowed ourselves extra time to get to the appointment, but since it was President’s Day there wasn’t much traffic, so we ended up being early for our 9:15 appointment.  And, of course, they were running late.  My emotions were running high – I was excited, nervous, anxious and a tiny bit scared.  Why so many emotions?  Well, we were there to check for our baby’s heartbeat.  You see, on December 31, 2013, we found out we were pregnant.  It was a fun & very unexpected way to spend New Year’s Eve {you better make my drink a kiddie cocktail, please}.  At our first Doctor appointment the Nurse went to check to see if she could hear the heartbeat but she wasn’t able to find it and attributed it to the baby being to small, or hiding in my belly.  No big deal, I thought.  

So, back to February 17th.

They called us back and the Nurse had me lay on the table and she got out the little Doppler thing {for lack of a better term} and she started to check for baby’s heartbeat.  Again, she was having trouble finding it, so she suggested we have an Ultrasound to “just make sure was okay”.  Fine idea, I thought as the nerves poured through every inch of my body.

Unfortunately, the wait for the Ultrasound wasn’t short.  We waited at least 40 minutes.  In that time, every single thought & possibility ran through my mind.  But, I kept assuring myself that everything was fine.  The baby must be curled up in a funny position, I thought to myself.  It would be such a relief to see the baby on the monitor and know that everything was fine & dandy.

Finally, they called us back.  However, we had Dafney with us that morning & she’s not allowed in the Ultrasound room, so I went back by myself.  I laid down on the table and the Ultrasound tech started right up.  She took a glance and said “there’s the baby” and told me how far along she thought I was measuring and I felt a rush of relief run over me.  And, then, she uttered the most painful words.

Leah, I’m sorry, but I don’t see a heartbeat.

I remember just nodding my head as if in the back of my mind, I knew.  Tears quickly filled my eyes and I felt numb.  She quickly apologized and asked if I wanted a minute or if she should send my Husband & daughter back.  I was able to mutter out the words to have my hubby come back.  I stood up and just started to cry.  As the hubby walked in, I think he was a bit confused and I managed to shake my head.  I grabbed my daughter and hugged her bigger than I ever had.  At that moment, she was my saving Grace.

It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to process & deal with in my life.  I think about that day & our little baby often.  Though I never met him/her, they will never be forgotten.

Since, we’ve been BLESSED with our little Hendrix.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  He is such a gift and an unbelievable blessing.  It sure is strange how things happen in this crazy thing we call life.

Today, I’m taking extra time to remember the baby we never got to meet as well as counting my blessings for the 2 little ones in my life.

xoxo

Bake At Home Mama

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